I'm Scared

Fear is a state of mind.

I've been trying to come out to my mom since my 18th birthday. She's loving. And caring. A wonderful mother who sacrificed so much for me. I am where I am because she provided the opportunities. Disappointing her is not an option. Or so I thought.

Hiding is tiresome. I'm exhausted. I'm scared.

Will she disown me? How will I survive if she does? What am I going to do?

These are the thoughts that weigh down my courage. She raised me with an open door policy. In seeing the failed parenting of my controlling aunts and uncles, she created an environment of honesty. Good or bad, all she asked for was the truth.

I owe her it. But most importantly I owe it to myself.

New Year

I'm too young to feel this old. As my 23rd birthday approaches, I'm experiencing all sorts of conflicting adjectives: happy and sad, accomplished and worthless, refreshed and tired. It's a new year--a starting point for abstract, self-imposed resolutions. Resolutions are reSOLUTIONS. What am I resolving? Is there something to be solved?

I'm majoring in nutrition because I love eating...healthy.
I'm also majoring in communication because I like talking...effectively.

But I confess that I ate Del Taco, Jack in the Box, and McDonalds TODAY.
And that I often mispronounce words and speak without thinking.
Is there a problem? I don't think so.

What really needs to happen is this: I need to start realizing that this finite world has infinite possibilities, and that the possibilities are not always polar opposites--it's variations.

This year, I intend to renew my faith in myself.
I don't want to be tolerated; I want to be understood.
I don't want to change; I want to improve.
I don't want to settle; I want to succeed.
I'm going to defy gravity.