Fuck Relativity

I want to skip all the bullshit. Fast forward. I want to be in law school already. I need that sense of security. Many of my friends and classmates have moved on at a much quicker pace. I feel left behind. Yes, I could have graduated last May, but I can't help feeling disappointment in myself. Graduating in 4 and grad school right after. The conventional way. Relative to the people I had honors and AP classes with in high school, I feel unaccomplished. Relative to the people I attended Davis with, I feel disadvantaged. Relativity. Fuck it.

It's so hard to follow your own words, your own philosophy. I wrote the following a while ago. I remember feeling liberated. Moving at my own pace while paying no attention to others is a talent--a gift. I had that gift. And in the time that I realized it, I did so much...

"Why do we always want to grow up so fast? Maybe it's because

we get tired of the work it takes to get where we want to be.

Sometimes you need a tea party with good friends to

help you realize that desirable results of ambition take time;

so take your time. Ironically, life is too short, but if you

don't take the time to live it, you lose. You lose what you

could have gained. Study abroad, study a minor, do

something fun or spontaneous. Live. We're young,

vibrant and drenched with potential. No obstacle

should permanently deviate you from your goals...

money, parents, lovers, or haters...if anything,

these will make the journey more worth the time it takes to achieve it."

Self-assurance is the best insurance because in the end all we really have is ourself. You are accountable to no one but yourself. Me, myself, and I. So I worked hard, and prioritized love and relationships last. With all that I've done, I am unable to see the fruit, the benefit, the payoff. I sacrificed happiness that could have been for success that might be. I narrowed my scope when it should have been broadened.

You see, law advisors and LSAT personnel place so much emphasis on GPA and the LSAT. What about my work? My passions? Helping others. Serving the community. Engaging in healthy debate. Promoting social justice. Encouraging participation in our democracy. Aren't these desirable qualities too? I don't have a 4.0 or a 180; I'll be weighed and measured against other candidates. RELATIVE to their LSAT scores and GPAs. So I feel left behind, not just academically, but intimately as well. So fuck relativity.

Let me be understood. I am not criticizing the law school admission process, the LSAT, or anyone else. I am ranting. I am venting. I need to write to let it all out. My frustration is signal of my insecurities. I doubt myself. I doubt that my ability to thrive may not be enough for law school. The best I can do is reassure myself that it will work out, that I have done well. Hearing it isn't enough. I need to internalize it. I need to believe it. For someone who was so independent and self-sufficient, I am amazed at the weakness of my current state--moping around like some child who didn't get what he wanted on his birthday.